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Monday, May 13, 2013

Hello Again

So I may have forgotten all about this blog.  I moved in with Ian up in Maine, as most of you already know--especially if you listen to the podcast--so I've kinda been hanging off of the Facebook page and Ian's blog(s).  I guess I just wanted to make a post just to say hello and let people know what's been going on in life.

MCAT: I got my results back, and I got a 26 R.  The highest score possible was 45 T.  There are three sections; physical science, biology, and verbal.  They are 15 points apiece.  There is also an essay portion which is graded from A to T.  I did about average for the first three multiple-choice sections, and I did super well on the essay portion.  MCAT stands for Medical College Admissions Test, for those of you who asked.

Now that I have the results, I've realized that there's no chance in Hades that I'll ever be able to do medical school.  I just can't afford it, and my score and GPA aren't good enough to get a scholarship.  I'm one of those weird people who doesn't believe in having a credit card, so getting loans is out of the question.  At the moment, I'm working at a craft store and applying for positions in biological research.  It's slow-going, but I'm patient.  It sucks, but at least I have a workable degree.  Someday, I want to go back and get some more degrees, but that's still in the works with the way things are going.  I don't make much money, but thanks to Ian I have a comfortable life.  He's an absolute sweetheart for taking such good, patient care of me and my wacky issues.

Chell's Mind: Yeah, you're probably all ready to lynch me at this point, but the ideas are still floating around.  I really want to get a better mic and coordinate with Ian, but my work schedule rarely coincides with his, and when I do have time off, I'm usually doing my writing, or watching Two Best Friends, or catching up with anime that I haven't been able to see.  Now that I'm out of school, I feel like I have less free time than ever.  It's sad, really.

However, that's not to say that I'll never touch the series again.  It's been a long time, and I'll have to relearn a lot of the stuff that was self-taught to begin with, but I still like it.  I still want to work on it.  I just need that spark of inspiration back that was taken away so quickly.  Part of it is my irritation with flamers, but a big part was just life.  Stuff happened.  Hurdles were presented.  That's just how the ball rolls.

My Book:  I really want to get this published, and it's been ten years since I started writing the thing.  It's "complete" but I needed more input, more people to read it and give me their honest opinions.  My deviantART account got okay results, but the format is awful if you're a serious writer, and I kept getting backlogged amongst random Hetalia fanfiction.  (Weird, right?)  So now I'm posting the chapters on a FictionPress account, and hopefully I'll get some decent traffic and input.  Actually, feel free to check it out and give me some thoughts.  It's called Avenari, and it's my baby.

Getting published is harder than getting into med school for most people, but of the two, I think I have a better chance of this happening realistically.  Writing is my one, true passion.  I love it, and I will never stop.  It's kind of funny, but when Ian and I first got together, this book is what made it happen.  Again, life got all crazy and I even stopped writing for a very long time.  I think it was the longest I had ever gone without writing, and my second book suffered in limbo for about two years.  Then, a few months ago, the spark came back.  The ideas started flowing, and now I'm the happiest I've ever been.  "Screw everything else, I can still write!"  *laugh*  It's bizarre how that works out.  I just started having cravings again, and suddenly I had three new chapters.  I feel so zen now...

I just hope that the same will happen with Chell's Mind.

Other Events:  Aside from all the book/youtube/MCAT stuff, I've been okay.  It's hard to be away from my family in Florida.  My little brother is graduating college this year for Aerospace Engineering, and for his senior project he built a car.  I have a feeling he's going to be way more successful than I am.

He has a back injury that requires some pretty scary spinal surgery, but the insurance company is getting ready to kick him out of the military healthcare system, so I'm really worried about him.  He's always kinda been stuck in my shadow.  I got better grades and made better decisions, but I feel like he's a much better person than I am.  I respect him, and I worry a lot about him.  I just want the best for him, because he's my brother and I love him.

Speaking of family, I also lost my grandmother to ALS this past December.  She died two days after Christmas.  I was visiting my parents with Ian when we got the news.  It's painful, but I know that she suffered a lot with the disease, so I hope she's at peace now.  My family flew up to Minnesota for the service, and Ian went back to Maine.  My branch has always been kind of a black sheep in the family since we moved around a lot with the Air Force.  It's strange to meet family and not know who they are.  It was nice, though, and I was glad that we could all be there.

Recently, too, I found out that my uncle had a large brain tumor--probably for months or years.  They didn't catch it until it was about 3 centimeters long.  We hoped that it was just a benign one-off, but the biopsy came back a couple of weeks ago and it's actually cancer.  I'm not sure what to think anymore, actually.  I just hope that he goes into remission.  They rushed him into surgery to remove the mass, but they couldn't get everything out, I guess.  I'm just worried.

My whole family seems to be running into issues.  I'm realizing now that I'm getting older.  I turn 25 this year, and I have nothing to show for it.  I've written a book that may never see a bookstore shelf, I've got a degree that isn't doing anything productive, and I've got a webseries that's been in limbo for over three years.  I'm happy to be writing, but I'm scared, too.  I have hope, but that's not enough sometimes.  On one side, I'm as perky and happy as I ever was.  I have Ian, my online friends, and my writing...but then I worry about the big picture.  I don't know what it looks like.  It's just an amorphous gray blob of uncertainty and fear, and all I can think is that I don't want to fail.  I don't even know what I'm trying to accomplish, but I don't want to be stuck in a dead-end retail job my whole life.  I've put so much effort into some things, and I'm beginning to see that it might have all been a waste of time.  All I can do is wait it out and see what life brings.

I guess I'm being depressing...I actually set out on this whole entry to literally just say hello and show you the one thing I've been working on so fervently lately, but then I started writing...always the writing...

In the end, words are all I have.  I dream of the day when that actually matters.

=_= ~*(cyh)*

P.S.  Man, I am SO sorry about all this word vomit.  You can hit me if it makes you feel better.