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Monday, May 13, 2013

Hello Again

So I may have forgotten all about this blog.  I moved in with Ian up in Maine, as most of you already know--especially if you listen to the podcast--so I've kinda been hanging off of the Facebook page and Ian's blog(s).  I guess I just wanted to make a post just to say hello and let people know what's been going on in life.

MCAT: I got my results back, and I got a 26 R.  The highest score possible was 45 T.  There are three sections; physical science, biology, and verbal.  They are 15 points apiece.  There is also an essay portion which is graded from A to T.  I did about average for the first three multiple-choice sections, and I did super well on the essay portion.  MCAT stands for Medical College Admissions Test, for those of you who asked.

Now that I have the results, I've realized that there's no chance in Hades that I'll ever be able to do medical school.  I just can't afford it, and my score and GPA aren't good enough to get a scholarship.  I'm one of those weird people who doesn't believe in having a credit card, so getting loans is out of the question.  At the moment, I'm working at a craft store and applying for positions in biological research.  It's slow-going, but I'm patient.  It sucks, but at least I have a workable degree.  Someday, I want to go back and get some more degrees, but that's still in the works with the way things are going.  I don't make much money, but thanks to Ian I have a comfortable life.  He's an absolute sweetheart for taking such good, patient care of me and my wacky issues.

Chell's Mind: Yeah, you're probably all ready to lynch me at this point, but the ideas are still floating around.  I really want to get a better mic and coordinate with Ian, but my work schedule rarely coincides with his, and when I do have time off, I'm usually doing my writing, or watching Two Best Friends, or catching up with anime that I haven't been able to see.  Now that I'm out of school, I feel like I have less free time than ever.  It's sad, really.

However, that's not to say that I'll never touch the series again.  It's been a long time, and I'll have to relearn a lot of the stuff that was self-taught to begin with, but I still like it.  I still want to work on it.  I just need that spark of inspiration back that was taken away so quickly.  Part of it is my irritation with flamers, but a big part was just life.  Stuff happened.  Hurdles were presented.  That's just how the ball rolls.

My Book:  I really want to get this published, and it's been ten years since I started writing the thing.  It's "complete" but I needed more input, more people to read it and give me their honest opinions.  My deviantART account got okay results, but the format is awful if you're a serious writer, and I kept getting backlogged amongst random Hetalia fanfiction.  (Weird, right?)  So now I'm posting the chapters on a FictionPress account, and hopefully I'll get some decent traffic and input.  Actually, feel free to check it out and give me some thoughts.  It's called Avenari, and it's my baby.

Getting published is harder than getting into med school for most people, but of the two, I think I have a better chance of this happening realistically.  Writing is my one, true passion.  I love it, and I will never stop.  It's kind of funny, but when Ian and I first got together, this book is what made it happen.  Again, life got all crazy and I even stopped writing for a very long time.  I think it was the longest I had ever gone without writing, and my second book suffered in limbo for about two years.  Then, a few months ago, the spark came back.  The ideas started flowing, and now I'm the happiest I've ever been.  "Screw everything else, I can still write!"  *laugh*  It's bizarre how that works out.  I just started having cravings again, and suddenly I had three new chapters.  I feel so zen now...

I just hope that the same will happen with Chell's Mind.

Other Events:  Aside from all the book/youtube/MCAT stuff, I've been okay.  It's hard to be away from my family in Florida.  My little brother is graduating college this year for Aerospace Engineering, and for his senior project he built a car.  I have a feeling he's going to be way more successful than I am.

He has a back injury that requires some pretty scary spinal surgery, but the insurance company is getting ready to kick him out of the military healthcare system, so I'm really worried about him.  He's always kinda been stuck in my shadow.  I got better grades and made better decisions, but I feel like he's a much better person than I am.  I respect him, and I worry a lot about him.  I just want the best for him, because he's my brother and I love him.

Speaking of family, I also lost my grandmother to ALS this past December.  She died two days after Christmas.  I was visiting my parents with Ian when we got the news.  It's painful, but I know that she suffered a lot with the disease, so I hope she's at peace now.  My family flew up to Minnesota for the service, and Ian went back to Maine.  My branch has always been kind of a black sheep in the family since we moved around a lot with the Air Force.  It's strange to meet family and not know who they are.  It was nice, though, and I was glad that we could all be there.

Recently, too, I found out that my uncle had a large brain tumor--probably for months or years.  They didn't catch it until it was about 3 centimeters long.  We hoped that it was just a benign one-off, but the biopsy came back a couple of weeks ago and it's actually cancer.  I'm not sure what to think anymore, actually.  I just hope that he goes into remission.  They rushed him into surgery to remove the mass, but they couldn't get everything out, I guess.  I'm just worried.

My whole family seems to be running into issues.  I'm realizing now that I'm getting older.  I turn 25 this year, and I have nothing to show for it.  I've written a book that may never see a bookstore shelf, I've got a degree that isn't doing anything productive, and I've got a webseries that's been in limbo for over three years.  I'm happy to be writing, but I'm scared, too.  I have hope, but that's not enough sometimes.  On one side, I'm as perky and happy as I ever was.  I have Ian, my online friends, and my writing...but then I worry about the big picture.  I don't know what it looks like.  It's just an amorphous gray blob of uncertainty and fear, and all I can think is that I don't want to fail.  I don't even know what I'm trying to accomplish, but I don't want to be stuck in a dead-end retail job my whole life.  I've put so much effort into some things, and I'm beginning to see that it might have all been a waste of time.  All I can do is wait it out and see what life brings.

I guess I'm being depressing...I actually set out on this whole entry to literally just say hello and show you the one thing I've been working on so fervently lately, but then I started writing...always the writing...

In the end, words are all I have.  I dream of the day when that actually matters.

=_= ~*(cyh)*

P.S.  Man, I am SO sorry about all this word vomit.  You can hit me if it makes you feel better.


24 comments:

  1. Good to have ya' back, Cyh.

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  2. Much love, Cyh. Don't let uncertainty get you down, none of us really have the answer either. Just go with it and enjoy yourself. :)

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  3. I love writing too Cyh, just keep that passion for it and keep going. You'll get there.

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  4. Thanks guys. I'm still working things out, but I'm sure it'll be fine in the end. I've done it before, and I can do it again. ^_^

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  5. Just do whatever you love :) I would be happy to read your book whether it gets published or not. I do know for even the best books, usually the publishers you go isn't going to say yes, so you may want to try out different publishers. I've heard that being told from a lot of successful authors.

    Anyways, best of luck, Cyh!

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  6. Even though I'd all but given up hope on a new episode for a while now, I still think about how it'd be if you actually finished Portal 1 and started on 2. I can't even imagine the hilarity ensuing with Wheatley.

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  7. To quote those cute Portal Turrets.. I don't hate you.

    You did your best for the MCAT; I just hope you get the job you've always wanted.

    As for Chell's Mind... Do what you enjoy doing. I see CM as a hobby, and only as a hobby. Do not let this take over your life.

    I would like to see this book of yours. As a writer myself (Fanfiction mostly), I love getting feedback and constructive criticism to fix anything that seems odd about the writings.

    And Cyh, words always matter.

    Best Wishes,

    FD

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  8. @Fandude: Thanks a bunch. Now that I've been on hiatus so long, I'm beginning to see all the fans who matter the most. You guys who are still around truly make me happy. It's inspiring, really.

    As for my book, there's a link in the post to my book on FictionPress. I'm still posting chapters, and I haven't gotten any reviews yet but there's some okay traffic.

    Man, do I want reviews, though. XD My Saiyuki fanfics were pretty popular over on FFNet back in 2009 or so, and it's exciting to try and recreate that success with my original work. What sort of fanfics do you write? I might be interested, or at least willing to provide constructive criticism. (Nothing makes me happier than helping people with writing and seeing them develop.)

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  9. I'm simply someone who enjoyed Chell's mind, and found the rest of your stuff through there. Be happy, get through with what you need to, and it'll be cool to see your content when you post it.

    Nice to see you're alive.

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  10. I discovered Chell's Mind yesterday while inflicting my boredom on the Internet... Anyway, once I realized there wasn't an episode 6, I was heartbroken.
    I hope your uncle recovers, and I wish I could write something slightly more sympathetic...

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  11. Dear Cyh.
    I'm going to start this by saying that I'm 15, so I can't say I know how it feels to be feeling all that you're experiancing right now.I do, however, know the dread of uncertanity, and I believe that it's something we all feel in our everyday lives. We don't think about it, because most of the time it's small stuff, and it's not important, or it's large, omnipresent things we get numb too. Thoughts like" What am I going to have for breakfast?" are examples of the kind of thoughts that are small. Then we have the larger uncertanties, like," How am I going to pay the rent this month?" Or for myself," How did I do on that test?" But after that, we have much larger uncertanties, that loom over us always until they're resolved, if ever, and when they are, sometimes that stick around anyway. These are the things like," What will I do with my life?" But the thing is, when you have this kind of uncertainty, at you're age, you have the independancy to take that blob of uncertainty, and make it into whatever you want. This is the time of your life when the entire world is open to you, and you'll notice that as you age, less, and less things will be available. Some people look at these near infinte options and do nothing, either frozen in fear, or just to lazy to act. From what I've read about you, you don't seem to be that person. So maybe I'm just crazy and stupid and have notions about the world that are crazy and stupid, but then again, maybe I'm not. Take the world by storm Cyh, and make it your bitch.
    Sincerly- Chris Salvati, who can't spell for his life.

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  12. @Anon: The thought does more than any words could ever manage. Thanks, and hopefully I'll have something special for everyone soon.

    @Chris: Well, Chris, I'm 24, going on 25, and I think I've just been schooled by a 15-year-old. *laugh* Thanks, man. Your eloquent little comment has made me smile. I'm so happy to have people like you who look out for me, even though I don't think I deserve the attention. It'll take a bit of finagling, but I'll see what I can do about this so-called world. *grin*
    =_= ~*(cyh)*

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  13. Cyh~!

    You're alive! (and the most original comment award goes to me, yay)

    Did you know? When I saw you had a new post here, I found out I just wanted to know if you were OK. It's weird, because at some point in the hiatus I secretly became angry and unfollowed you basically everywhere.

    However, people change, life goes on, I started making a videogame... and realized how stressful it is to work with deadlines. Life seems to throw every single obstacle at you, making it impossible to continue. Furthermore, people asking for more DO make you want to stop working. I thought it was a quirk of yours, but it actually happens. It's ironic, after a while I realized my sense of humor when writing was highly influenced by yours.

    I came to the conclusion that I just couldn't get myself to hate you, and followed The Master Minds and your YouTube channel again, but forgot about deviantART, which is why I didn't notice until now.

    Yes, I started following you for Chell's Mind... but I stood here because you are an awesome person, I'm really glad to see you're back~ *hug*

    Sincerely, Jojogape

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  14. @jojogape: Yay! *hugs* I knew I remembered you from somewhere! Heh, you were around from pretty early on, too. I'm sorry that I've made so many people upset, but I'm even sorrier that you had to experience the same frustration that I went through. Life likes to do that to us all, so I can't be overly bitter. Things are looking up even as they look down, and I'm starting to want to do things again. *laugh* You can blame my book for that. Once I get back into one thing, I tend to cycle through all the various hobbies that I love.

    Anyway, I'm happy to see you've come back. ^_^ I hope I can live up to your praise and maybe help you find a little inspiration.

    =_= ~*(cyh)*

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  15. Glad to see you still have a keyboard. XD
    Anyway, is there any way that I could pre-order your book? Or you could publish it as a nook/kindle book, just some ideas.

    Anyway, try not to bite the tooth.

    -J

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  16. I am just not fangirl material (partly because i am a guy but mostly because i feel weird when stalking someone ;D ) so i will probably just write this comment and just patiently wait for your next interesting thing (anything really, dont limit yourself) So first of all i am sorry you are/were having a rough patch in RL, i know it gets hard sometimes, but the show must go on... I have dropped out of college and work 2 fulltime jobs to pay for my parents debt and grandmothers medical stuff but i still think that everything will be ok one day.
    Also i loved chells mind and your book seems nice too (havent gotten far enough to give better feedback) so keep making stuff, thats what people with talent must do. I have no artistic side whatsoever, but i enjoy art (especialy style simmilar to yours in modern authors) so it would be a shame if you would give up or get stuck in a never ending portal loophole where you have no choice, but to keep falling :)

    Sincerly eating mangos
    Arb666 (will remain annonymous on blogspot because i just dont know how or why i should go through all the trouble of linking/creating accounts)

    P.S. sorry everyone for the long comment which is probably full of bad grammar

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  17. Yay! You survived the MCAT test! I know it is not the same as GLaDOS' tests, but whatever! And what will you do with the companion cube? Hate it because of the cubiness and laugh at the end? Love it because of the heart? Thank HALLY for your ever wanted stepladder? And then the infamous turrets! *evil chuckle* Good luck with your book too.

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  18. @Bobsauce: Well, I need to get it published, first. At the moment I'm just uploading the whole thing to FictionPress and trying to get a barometer reading on how people like it. Mostly positive so far, and I've made a handful of alterations to make it better overall. I might see if I can get it onto a nook/kindle eventually, but I'll have to do a ton of research first, so for now it's free for everyone's perusal.

    Everybody loves free stuff, right?

    @Arb666: Hanging in there. Life has thrown another curve ball but I'm determined not to let it get me down this time. (My uncle has taken a turn for the worse and he doesn't have much time left.)

    Sad news aside, I've got some stuff over on the facebook page that people are liking, so hopefully this weekend I'll actually get something done. As for the book, give it a go and drop a comment or two to let me know what you think. FictionPress thankfully allows guest/anonymous reviews. I know it's not for everyone, but it's my baby and I'd like some legitimate feedback. I'll probably post a few pictures of paintings I'm working on, too. We'll see how that goes.

    @Anon: Oh, I've got ideas. Lots of ideas.

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  19. Hey, Cyh. You know, I usually discover YouTube series' that have been over for a long time, so when I found Chell's Mind, I assumed it was just another random mini-series about portal that had been long since ended by the author. It didn't really make sense that you ended the series right before the turret level (it actually kind of pissed me off; I would love to see what you make of Chell's thoughts towards the turrets and Companion Cube), but I've learned not to question the genius. It makes them angry.
    Anyway, I'm really glad to see that you're not dead, and to hear that there will be an episode 06 sooner or later. But enough about Chell's Mind. I'm a writer as well, and would love it if you could give me some feedback about some of the stuff I've posted on my blog. Here's the link: http://videogamesandmiddleschool.blogspot.com/ I hope you'll check it out. You'd probably be the first person besides me and my best friend. And my little troll that lives in my brain, Chell. She's annoying. In case you hadn't guessed, I'm kind of insane. Anyway, good luck to you with all of that stuff you mentioned. It sounds like a lot to deal with.
    - Baconlover72

    PS: Is there any way I could use some quotes and characters from Chell's Mind for a secret little project that if you e-mail me at: baconportal72@gmail.com, I can tell you more about.

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  20. So glad that you're back, and hope your dreams come true... somehow.

    Youtube is pretty much a place where people start announcing video makers dead due to their lack of activity and usually don't give a second thought. Try ignore those comments, and focus on what is more important to you.

    I wish you the best of luck for your book. (Loved it)

    - Clint (can't be bothered to log in)

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  21. I really hope your book does well, and that you do Chell's Mind when you >want< to and have fun doing it. You seems to be facing a lot of problems right now :/, but the way you write gives me the impression that you will definitely get through it. Best of luck on your future endeavors ;)

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  22. Hey, Cyh. I was wondering if you could email me the script for the next episode of Chell's Mind for my book. You can contact me on my blog, scienceisntfunwithoutcyanide.blogspot.com. Please let me know ASAP.

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  23. @Baconlover: Um...I don't actually write a script. I just make a list of things to say and insert them wherever it works, and 90% of that is ad-libbed on the spot.

    I'm not terribly organized.

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  24. Hey, recent viewer here. I don't have much to say that hasn't been said already, besides Happy Holidays and I hope you can get your inspiration back for Chell's Mind. I started watching Freeman's Mind last year as a means of learning the story of Half-Life, and once I played Portal I became curious if there was a Mind counterpart for it.

    I never thought you weren't a girl, so no need to hit me. >_<; I'll keep an eye on your blog in the meantime, and I promise to not hold it against you if you one day choose to abandon Chell's Mind. I've known a lot of content creators on and off YouTube who simply had to drop everything because life happened.

    Good luck, and Happy New Year. =D

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If you're rude, I'll delete you from the space-time continuum, as well as the time-space discontinuum, and also this blog. Then I'll send Hannibal Lecter after you--he likes to eat rude people.

After reviewing comments, I have decided to include Valve Time, as well as variable-Valve-time--with Lift--to the above list of obliteration-friendly continua.